


Maybe If I Forget How to Love

by Mischiefkingwinkyface



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Desperation, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Guilt, M/M, Morning After, Pleading, Pre Cannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21608308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischiefkingwinkyface/pseuds/Mischiefkingwinkyface
Summary: Asra struggles to come to terms with the Apprentice’s passing and Julian reconsiders the nature of their relationship.
Relationships: Asra/Julian Devorak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	1. The Last Morning

It was the morning after that he’d realised. Julian had woken up next to Asra in the upstairs of the magic shop, their clothes were thrown awkwardly strewn across the room. The magician himself hadn’t even woken up yet and Julian had been tucking his white hair out of his eyes when he’d realised:

Now, Julian had always been a seeker of knowledge; never one to shy away from a new discovery at any time. That’s why it was so strange when he’d wished more than anything to forget what he’d learned. He wanted nothing more in that moment to forget what it was like to feel loved by Asra. At least then it wouldn’t hurt so bad that none of it was true. 

He’d gotten out of bed and started to dress when Asra awakened, his voice teasing Julian from the bed, “leaving so soon? Was last night really so bad?”

Julian let the silence settle back between them in answer. No part of him needed, or wanted, to talk further. He just needed to get dressed and get out.

“Or was it that bad?”, Asra was getting out of bed then and gliding over to Julian to tug on his arm, “did I do something wrong or is the silence part of your mystery, Doctor?”

“Don’t do this.” No matter how hard he’d tried to keep his voice steady, Julian heard it crack along with his resolve, “I can’t… I think we both know what last night was.” 

“A lot of fun?”, Asra had darted in front of Julian then, still undressed, and given him his brightest smile. 

“Your… Your loneliness! They’re gone, Asra. They died and there’s nothing you can do about it. Using me isn’t going to bring them back.” 

He didn’t respond to that; the smile had dropped in a second to leave his face almost completely blank. Julian’s eyes followed him as he released him and went back to sit on the bed. These was something in Asra’s eyes that Julian neither recognised nor wished to understand, all he knew was that he’d never seen those violet eyes look so close to blue. 

They’d stayed there, in silence, for what felt like hours. Neither of them dared to move as though it would somehow shatter the emptiness surrounding them until Asra spoke with an edge to his voice so sharp it near sliced Julian in two,  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I?”, Julian crossed his arms, “you’re staying at their shop, sleeping in their bed, and you refused to heal the cuts on your hands from when you went to the Lazaret. You’re grieving, Asra, this isn’t the way to do it.”

The look Asra gave him most likely would’ve killed him if Asra had been inclined to use his magic that way but Julian was not deterred:  
“You need to accept what happened. The plague has killed many and we need to accept that it is merciless and there is nothing we can do- “ 

“You could have done something.” There was no anger in Asra’s voice, just a numb sadness that chilled Julian to the bone, “You could have done something. They died alone because you were too busy for them.” 

There was no reply from Julian as he stood frozen with tears forming in his eyes so Asra continued, “we both failed them in life, and I don’t intend to fail them now. I’m going to bring them back. I will bring them back.”

“Asra, that’s madness…” Julian spoke but his words were hardly heard.

“You failed them, Julian. I failed them. We have to make this right no matter the cost. Why are you not listening to me?”

There was something frantic in Asra’s voice by that point, some roots of a half-baked plan he was willing to give himself up for. The beginning of something Julian didn’t want to see realised. He just needed one last answer:  
“What was last night?” 

“You’re not listening to me. Why aren’t you listening to me?”

“Asra, what was last night?”

Asra just shook his hand and ran his hands through his hair, “You must listen to me, Julian. We can fix this. We can make everything right again. Julian, we can do this.”

“No, that’s not how this works. Just… Just answer me, please? What was last night? Do you love me?” Julian could feel what was left of his composure start to crack but held himself together just enough to watch Asra fall apart in front of him. 

Asra had continued to talk over him about how they could make things right and how he was going to fix everything as though he actually believed it, maybe he did. That was until Julian cut him off:  
“-Answer me. Just this once you have to answer me without it being one of your damned riddles. You’re starting to worry me…”

“If you actually listened, you’d have your answer! You could understand, why don’t you understand?” 

“Because,” Julian went over to Asra and sat on the bed next to him to pull him back to reality should he need the help, “you are going to drive yourself insane on some wild goose chase to complete a half-baked plan that may or may not do the impossible. You’re going to hurt everyone. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Get out.”

“Asra- “

“I said, get out.” 

Faust slithered around Asra’s shoulders with a look in her eyes that told Julian to back off now or lose a limb not of his choosing. Where she’d come from, he had no idea, but he knew when he wasn’t wanted. He hadn’t even bothered to pick up his gloves when he left. 

There’d been no goodbye, no peace between them when he left. All that was left was Julian walking numbly towards the Rowdy Raven accompanied by the memory of Asra’s skin on his and the warmth of falling asleep in his arms the night before. He walked towards the bar with the hope it would help him forget how it felt to love Asra Alnazar.


	2. Wait For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I haven’t really been updating a lot recently thanks to an injury but I’m hoping to get back to normal. 
> 
> This chapter is not a continuation of the one before it but rather a step back to the beginning of their relationship based off ‘Wait For Me’ from Hadestown. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the angst so feel free to let me know what you think.

It hadn’t started that way, how they ended up together. Julian vividly remembered finding out the Apprentice had caught the plague and rushing back to the shop, hoping upon hope that he had arrived in time. He’d hoped that he would at least be with them when they went. 

Instead, he’d found Asra sat in the back room of the shop, covered in such a thick layer of soot that Julian almost hadn’t noticed his bleeding hands. Asra’s eyes met his and a bitter laugh hit Julian’s ears before he had chance to question what had happened,  
“Hey, the genius returns! Here I was thinking you were still working on that masterpiece of yours.”

“Where are they…?” ,Julian could barely force the words from his throat.

A mocking growl rippled through the air as Asra stalked from his seat, causing it to tumble to the floor with a crash as a cloud of soot fell from the ripples in his coat, “what do you care? I’m sure you’ll find someone new out there.”

“Where are they?!” 

“Why do you want to know?”

The calm fury in his voice was enough to make Julian freeze. Didn’t he understand that Julian loved them too? Didn’t he understand in that whirlwind brain of his which one of them ran as soon as the plague began? Only one of them had left the world to die as he hid behind his magic and false smiles. Only one of them was really that fake. He had an answer at the very least,

“Wherever they are, that’s where I’ll go.”

The next breath, Asra was beside him and reached out to rest a hand against his heart, “What if I told you they’re… down below?”

Julian wrapped his finger’s around Asra’s; he’d attempted not to flinch when the contact had been abruptly refused, “down below…?”

“Down below.”, Asra turned away and closed his eyes with a heavy breath, “Six-feet-under-the-ground below. They called your name before they went, but I guess you weren't listening.” 

Stumbling back against the wall, Julian squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head so rapidly it bounced off the bricks he was leaning against. 

“So,” Asra’s tone sparkled with the beginning of a plan, “Just how far would you go for them?”

“To the end of time…”,Julian had whispered out before thinking just how unreasonable, how unintellectual, he’d sounded. A beat passed before Julian tried again, “to the end of the Earth.” 

The hand had found a new home on his chin, Asra’s thumb ran across his lips with a dejected chuckle to accompany it, “you got a ticket?” 

That had forced Julian’s eyes open to meet Asra’s hopeful gaze. He didn’t bother covering up his confusion at what the magician was saying,  
“N-no…?”

Asra nodded knowingly as his hands wondered down to Julian’s shoulders, they finally shifted all the to his chest before coming to a stop. Time ticked on as they breathed in time with each other before Asra spoke gently,  
“Yeah, I didn't think so. Of course… there is another way, but I’m not supposed to say it.” 

“Another way?” He could barely speak for the sting of Asra’s words had all but sewn his lips shut with a needle too blunt not to be felt. 

“Around the back…” Asra shifted onto his toes to speak into Julian’s ear, “it isn’t easy walking, and not for the faint of soul so… are you sure you want to go?” 

That’s when Julian grabbed Asra’s hand and held it to his heard, close enough that that the fresh blood soaked the fabric to his skin to cement his promise laid between them, “with all my heart.”

“With all your heart…” Asra’s fingers dug into his chest with such force his blood flowed more freely to indent Julian’s skin, “well, that’s a start.”

He had started to turn away when Julian’s panicked hands gripped him tighter, “wait for me, you cannot leave us behind this time.” 

Tears stirred in Asra’s eyes but were swept aside by the onslaught of his lashes, “there’s no compass, no map. You’ll have to just keep walking and not look back. The rivers are so high and wide. The cinder blocks and razor wire, walls of iron and concrete. There’s going to be dogs by the gate and if… if you don’t have the bones or the bread then you will need those two long legs-“

“Wait for me,” the doctor begged with such urgency he almost fell to his knees, it have barely even registered when they both started speaking over each other., “I’m coming with you. It’s almost like you’re on the run-“

“-But what about your name? You won’t have one-“

“- you will never look anyone in the eye. This town will suck me dry-“

“- they’ll pluck your heart right out your chest. You don’t…”

“Understand?” Julian finished for him simply as he watch the tears roll down the magician’s cheeks. Those tears were kissed away by gentle lips who already felt cold from having forfeited their goodbyes. That was all it took to steal away Asra’s words and ease away what little strength had kept him standing until that very moment. 

The sight of Asra falling into his arms made Julian’s heart lurch for him. There had been nothing but pain in the magician’s eyes, pain Julian couldn’t even ease with his beloved science. The scientist in him knew Asra was talking in madness they both wished to be real. Julian hoped beyond hope that Asra’s delusion would fade with acceptance of their dear Apprentice’s death. Little did he know just how wrong he was.


End file.
